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                                Masters Jokes :2015/16 Season

 

                                          Last  Season's   Masters Jokes ---- click here

 

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing, ‘replied the old man.

'Poor old begger' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked

'And how many have you caught today?'         

'You're the eighth.'​

 
Daughter to Father..

Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand.

He said that I have a beautiful chassis, Lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper

Fathers response..

‘’Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe’’..

 

 
Happy New Year..

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...........Then You Are ProbablyThe Family Dog!

Admit it . . . you thought I was going to get all spiritual . . . ! Sorry to disappoint you.

...........Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.

...........If you can't eat it or play with it, Piss on it and walk way!!!

 

WELCOME to 2015/16

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,

And our Politicians are WORTHLESS !
I'm scared – S...less

 

GOLF SHOES

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples. So seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show his Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret, at age 83, looked him over and replied: "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret (a little louder this time): "Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response: "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue" , she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!
Without missing a beat, Margaret replies: "Shoulda bought a new golf hat, Bert."

 

ITALIAN FUNERAL

An Italian Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man’s response: "Get in the line.”

 
 

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....


'Your house!'

 

Three golfing Girlfriends


Three golfing Girlfriends are playing the 9th hole when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

 

The three women look and are in shock at the size of his manhood.

The first woman says "Well he definitely is not my husband."

The second woman looks at his manhood and says "He’s not my husband either."

The third woman takes a good look and says "He's not even a member of this club."

 

 

Three golfing Girlfriends


Three golfing Girlfriends are playing the 9th hole when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

 

The three women look and are in shock at the size of his manhood.

The first woman says "Well he definitely is not my husband."

The second woman looks at his manhood and says "He’s not my husband either."

The third woman takes a good look and says "He's not even a member of this club."